Global Warming Cancelled

Guest Post by Doctor Biobrain

Well damn. Right when I thought we had a good chance of using the invented threat of Global Warming to destroy humanity, along comes a commonsense conservative to toss a cold bucket of reality all over us. And this guy's got us right over the proverbial barrel. Because while we've got the scientists, the research, the textbooks, and the Mafioso tactics to help beat objective truth to a pulp, the conservatives have the ultimate trump card that will always defeat us: God.

And it looks like they're now playing that trump card, by repeating God's own words in order to expose how hypocritically absurd the concept of Global Warming really is. That's right: They're quoting from the bible.

Here we have Congressman John Shimkus (R-Truthtown) laying down reality:


And well, shit. That's pretty much fucking that, isn't it? God already told us in his own words that he was going to be the one who decides when the earth ends, not man. And that means Global Warming can't possibly be a real threat. Shit! Shit Shit Shit! We really put all our eggs into this Global Warming thing and now it looks like we've got yolk all over our faces. All they had to do was to quote the infallible word of God and now we're totally sunk.

And you can tell they've got a real master at work there, with how deftly he switches from strict biblical fundamentalism, which is unchanging and perfect, to science talk on dinosaurs and parts per million which were discovered due to research fields that Shimkus rejects. That's the mark of a true objectivist: The ability to pick and choose which parts of reality to accept and knowing which parts to leave behind.

And so I guess I was wrong. I wanted to go ahead and push this Global Warming thing in hopes of ending humanity by the end of the year, while President-Comrade Obama insisted that we first needed to outlaw Christianity and destroy all bibles. He was right and I was wrong. And for my misjudgment, I have already removed my liver and replaced it with a hollow bust of Vladamir Lenin. The pain is excruciatingly educational.

And so it looks like you all have your next task set out for you: Destroy Christianity.